


wishing on stars doesn't work here

by makemelovely



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Road Trip, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Character Study, Gen, Non-Linear Narrative, POV Dawn, Post-Series, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Road Trips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2019-01-17 23:51:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12376707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makemelovely/pseuds/makemelovely
Summary: they drink orange juice out of the carton in a crappy motel room with a static TV and Dawn just wants to leave it all behind.





	wishing on stars doesn't work here

Dawn doesn't feel anything special after Sunnydale collapses. All she feels is numb. Her smile is fake and wobbly, tears welling in her eyes and a bloody slash is on her arm. Her jeans are ripped and her hair keeps falling in her eyes. She would hate it maybe if she could gather up any feelings. It's like her emotions are a well and she sent the bucket down but there isn't any water left. It comes up empty, of course.

Buffy's smile is relieved but her eyes are blank and tired. Dawn gets it. Really, she does. She's tired too, mentally and physically. Her heart is weary and her mind is unable to do anything.

Dawn shifts on her feet, dirt caked on her skin. Her feet are really killing her. She should go back on the bus but the stench of blood is heavy in the air and Dawn is so tired of blood. Her blood, Buffy's blood. Well, their blood is the same thing. They are, essentially, the same girl. Maybe their blood matches but do their souls? Do their hearts beat at the same pace? Do they break at the same time? What about their souls? Are they made of the same stuff? Do they burn with the same brightness? The same intensity?

Does it even matter? Dawn doesn't think so but there are moments when Buffy's eyes flash with Dawn go away I'm busy and you aren't important enough that she thinks that it might.

"Ready?" Xander asks, tears marring his cheeks and his eyes red. Anya is dead, Dawn thinks absently with the emotional detachment of a sociopath. The world keeps turning, obviously.

"Yes." No.

She gets on the bus and she sits opposite of Willow and Kennedy. Willow is still tripped out, her eyes and hair pure white. She's glowing, her eyes dazed and her smile dopey like she's high. Kennedy is next to her, worried and amused and in love. Her hair is yanked into a ponytail, fingers entwined lazily with Willow who doesn't have a clue what's happening.

The sight starts to burn her eyes so Dawn turns away to look out the dusty, cracked window where barren places and dirt lay.

Robin is driving the bus, Faith behind him murmuring things in his ear. Dawn almost hears every word they say but then this white noise hums in her ears so she stops trying. It's easier to give up.

*

Dawn would fight to stay with the gang but she doesn't even care anymore. Xander just looks blank and when he doesn't he looks pissed off. Giles looks sad all the time, his back hunched and his hair grayer than ever. Willow is back to red hair but she's serious and unyielding. Andrew is nerdier but in someway contained. He's bigger, somehow. Amanda is dead, Kennedy is a bitch, and Buffy is making them leave.

She pretends to fight her on it but she can see that Buffy isn't buying it. Pretend emotions for a pretend girl, Dawn snickers to herself in the car that night. Buffy is driving, her eyes sharp and focused. In the moonlight she looks almost alive. Dawn remembers almost an hour later that Buffy is still dead inside. She's just gotten better at pretending. And maybe if she does want to live she's still dead. She'll never recover from the joy of being done.

*

Three crummy motels later they finally go shopping. Buffy buys sweatpants and jeans and sweaters. She cuts her hair all off and doesn't buy make up. Dawn is the opposite. She buys shorts and skirts and jeans that hug her figure. She sees a green sweater and she tries it on. Buffy glances at her, nods. "It suits you." Dawn's stomach freezes and she puts it back. Green is her color. She's known this for, like, ever. Maybe because she is green. She thinks that sometimes she glows green because she is a ball of glowing green energy. That's her. It's always been her.

*

It's somewhere in New York that Dawn begins to feel that familiar spark of life that burned so brightly in her heart. It started with a blonde with a large capacity of life taking her hand and dragging her around her life. Her name was Serena and she introduced her to Chuck who became the boy who took her virginity. Serena introduced her to champagne and excessive love and too many kisses. It stings a little, leaving it all behind. But that's okay because she is everywhere at once. Everything at once.

Always.

*

For some reason they called her Georgina.

*

"I hate this town." Dawn whispers late at night, facing the opposite way of Buffy. Dawn thinks she's asleep but she's not sure.

Buffy rolls over and Dawn follows, facing Buffy with wide eyes that can't squint past the dark of the motel room. "Then we'll leave." She says simply. They don't sleep. They just stare at each other all night, wishing for something different. Something more familiar than the blank I remember who you were but not who you are.

This is why Dawn loves her sister.

*

(it's like they aren't even sisters. it's kind of nice.)

*

"Orange juice?" Buffy hands her said juice, a faint smile on her face.

"Sure." Dawn answers, taking the concert and taking a drink. It tastes like a new beginning, albeit a strange one. Then it tastes like sour endings when Buffy steadily refuses to look at her.

Dawn hates her sister sometimes. Buffy is terrible in every way a sister can be. She is mean, unfair, and she's just not ready. She carries death cupped in her palms like a flame. She asks Dawn if she wants to see it flicker and Dawn leans in close. Never enough to be burned by it but enough to see the destruction it causes, enough to feel its warmth.

Enough to taste the ash.

*

Buffy wrecks Dawn's life. She soaked Dawn's skin in blood, swapped her clothes with rags, shifted her guilt onto Dawn's shoulders. Dawn has grown up in Buffy's shadow. She has never known life without the shade, without the block of light. She has never known the heat of the sun, the light it provides. She has always been cold. She doesn't know how to get warm. She doesn't know if she can.

But without Buffy there is no Dawn. She is Buffy, with all of her being. Her blood which flows through her veins. She is the remains of Buffy that somehow separated from her and formed Dawn. She is a scrambled mess of her and Buffy and she's not sure who she is. Is she Dawn or Buffy? The Key or the Slayer? The little sister or the big sister? Where does she end and Buffy begin? Is there even a line to separate them?

Dawn doesn't know and she can't breath because Buffy's legacy is crushing her. She's never lived without it. She's not sure she can.

*

"Don't worry, Wills. I'll be home for Christmas." Dawn clicked the end call button and rested her forehead against the trashy wallpaper of yet another shitty motel room.

If only in my dreams, Dawn thinks.

*

"Please, Buffy!" Dawn screams, her clothes stuck to her freezing body. Rain pours down around them but Dawn can't bring herself to give a damn. "Can we stop driving all around the goddamn country in that shitty van that breaks down once in every stupid fucking state we go to. I just want to be normal." Dawn's tears slide down her face, invisible in the rain. She's pleading now, her voice cracking with brokenness. "I want stability, Buffy. I don't want to be homeschooled because you don't teach me anything. I want friends, I want homework, I want to play soccer. I want to have sleepovers, kiss boys, get my heart broken by a normal guy." Dawn sobs, tired of the life she's living, if you can call it that. It's not a life if you aren't staying somewhere longer than two weeks.

"Dawn, we aren't normal. We aren't built for normal lives." Buffy looks devastated, pain etched across her features as if it belongs to her and only her.

"Maybe you aren't. But I guess I'll never know, huh." Dawn scoffs bitterly, hatred boiling in her heart. It scalds her, turns her bones to ash.

Buffy flinches, her heart in her hands. "That's not fair." She utters lowly, looking every bit like a scared animal.

"This life isn't fair." Dawn bites back, stomping off to the car. Buffy watches her go, hair sticking to her face.

*

Dawn never quite gets used to this Buffy. This Buffy who doesn't slay, who barely eats, who looks permanently shattered. The pieces will be hard to pick up and Dawn doesn't want to try because she will end up with bloody fingers and cuts that'll scar her forever.

*

Dawn is so fucking tired. Tired of riding, tired of sleepless nights, tired of motels.

Dawn is just really fucking tired of this life. She hates it, really hates it. She swallows roughly and slides smoothly out of the bed, bare feet padding quietly against old carpet. She sneaks to the window, pulling the curtain aside to gaze out at the silver moon. If this were a movie Dawn would see a boy looking at her from the parking lot. He would wave her out and have her get in his truck, telling her he would take her anywhere she wanted. Dawn would hesitate and glance back at her motel room and then the boy would tell her to get in or get out. She would get in. They'd be several towns over by the time the sun came up and easy conversation was only broken but hysterical laughter. They were falling in love with each other every single day. A new love rose fresh in their minds every morning and reasons to love came effortlessly to them. It was heaven. Then the car would break down and they'd be stuck in the wilderness. With heightened emotions everything came to a head. In the pouring rain they would argue and confess their feelings before having the perfect kiss in the pouring rain. They'd break apart with idiot grins and love-struck eyes. They would grin like fools at each other for the rest of their lives. The end. Happily ever after.

The spell is broken as Buffy rolls over in bed and murmurs sleepily. "Dawnie?" Memories flash in Dawn's eyes. Crazed eyes, tight grips, blood dripping down, and a dead sister.

Dawn moves to the bed, climbing in. Warmth wraps around her in the form of a sister, blonde hair brushing in her eyes. "Love you, Dawn. G'night." Buffy breathes in her ear, sleepy breath warm as it fans over her collarbones.

It is long after Buffy falls asleep that Dawn manages to answer. "I love you too, Buffster." Buffster and Dawnster, sisters in everything. Well, everything but blood. But really, why make this story a tragedy?

(why pretend it isn't what it really is?)

*

The thing is that Buffy hadn't said I love you to Dawn in years. She hadn't said anything like that since she jumped off Glory's Tower. Nothing even close so Dawn can't even twist the words in her mind. Make it more acceptable. Make it easier to hear.

*

"You are my sister, Dawn." Buffy gently holds her wrists together, eyes soft and smile sweet. Suddenly it glints coldly. Her hands on Dawn's wrists are shackles and they weigh Dawn down. "Except you aren't really, are you?" Buffy's voice is high pitched and cruel. "You are me and I am dead. So why are you alive?" Her teeth are very very white and very very sharp. Buffy lunges and Dawn is screaming, pain beating like its own heart in her neck. Buffy pulls away, her teeth shiny red. "Isn't this better, Dawnie? Aren't you better off dead? Aren't we?" She asks again and again.

Dawn wakes up screaming, hair damp and skin sticky with sweat. Her heart is hammering in her chest, breaking her ribs with every pounding slam against them. Her pulse beats frantically against her skin and she is wild eyed, frantic and panicking. Her breathing calms when she realizes it was just another nightmare.

(there is no just. they creep in her bones and become a necklace around her throat, yanking and yanking.)

Buffy doesn't even stir.

*

"Why are you bleeding?" Ten year old Dawn asks, blinking curiously at Buffy as she slips in through the front door.

"No reason." Buffy answers evasively, her eyes haunted.

Dawn never does stop asking.

Buffy never does stop lying.

*

"Why are you limping?" Thirteen year old Dawn asks nosily, frowning at her older sister as she comes down for breakfast.

"No reason, you nosy little brat." Buffy glares, flipping pretty blonde hair over her shoulder. Dawn tugs on her own brown hair enviously, wishing she had blonde hair like Buffy. She wants to be like Buffy, you see?

(she is Buffy, though. they are almost composed of the same things so that means they are the same. right?)

*

Dawn learns everything last. She learned about the vampires last, the souls last, her being the key last. She's tired of it so she starts sneaking around and poking her nose where it doesn't belong. She wants to be a part of something, to belong. She wishes to be included.

(she will wish for many more things but they won't come true. after all, wishes don't come true for fake girls.)

*

Dawn's eyes are blurry with tears as she stares at the brightest star in the sky. She can hear Mom and Buffy and the gang talking below but she can't make out the words. She doesn't really want to. "Why can't I be a real girl?" She asks the star. She swears it winks. It doesn't.

(this isn't Pinocchio. this is no fairytale with a happy ending. there is only a girl with fake memories and an imaginary past.)

*

"Was I even there?" Dawn whispers one night as the open road stretches out ahead of them.

"Yes." Buffy doesn't look at her, steadily avoiding her eyes. "Of course." Her voice catches and she abruptly clears her throat.

Dawn thinks it's nice that she's willing to lie. She wonders how many other people lie to her and decides to ignore the probably high count.

(sisters make liars out of all of us. or maybe that's love.)

*

Dawn washes her hair, scrubs away the dirt, gets a new change of clothes. Buffy is quiet and dead looking, it's plain to see. It scares her how cold Buffy's skin is and how blank her eyes are. She swallows nervously, leading her sister down the stairs. She's ready to welcome Buffy back to the world of the living.

*

"Do you ever wish I was never born?" Dawn mutters. She is fourteen, twenty two, thirty nine, forty four, fifty seven, sixty three, seventy six. Dawn is old and young, ancient and new. She is all the ages at once. She grows big and small, old and young. She is new and different and ancient and the same. She won't grow old but her age steadily climbs.

"Sometimes." Buffy answers.

(her answer never changes. never ever ever. Dawn kind of hates her for it.)

*

Buffy winds an arm around her shoulders, speaking softly. "I love you." Dawn takes a minute to answer.

"I know." She really doesn't.


End file.
